whilst out drinking on a Saturday night
a lass asked me a question off the cuff
could she get herself ready for a date
would half an hour be enough?

laughing my fucking head off I thought…

just before she turned on the shower
would her transformers give enough power
to give her a perfect constant stream
to get her pampered and half clean
into the wardrobe to find a bath robe
something clean and not feeling rough
she only could find towels smelling of muff
she still hoped that half an hour was enough

after showering and feeling energetic
applying creams and lotions against the pandemic
feeling agitated and feeling pissed
now young lady don’t get your knickers in a twist
shaving leg hair with a blunt razor
imperfect strokes would surely cut ya
why don’t these cheap razors last
hoping half an hour hadn’t passed

now half your wardrobe is on your bed
a million choices in your head
shorts or pants or jeans or skirts
the cut on your shin really hurts
ankle socks or fishnet stockings
granny tights or something shocking
getting cold as you’re still in your buff
hoping half an hour is still enough

now the time is to put on your war paint
squinting through the misted up mirror
too much mascara too much kajal
lipstick too red and blusher too pink
time for rings and fake gold bracelets
earrings heavy and nans pearl necklace
bit of old and something new
I just hope the half hour isn’t through

those shoes are stinky and full of goo
those shoes scratched and full of poo
that shoe is somehow missing a heel
those boots are too much sex appeal
grab a purse that’s not too glammer
that’s so big I could hide a hammer
that’s so small I couldn’t fill it with stuff
I just hope half an hour is enough

grab the keys and grab your mask
finally we are at the end of the task
grab your phone and switch it on
shocked at where the time has gone
hundreds of messages saying where the fuck are you
holy shit, it’s just gone five to ten
unfortunately there is a world wide curfew in five minutes
looks like you are staying home again.
© Darren Hobson