Getting old doesn’t mean being dignified
Being a man doesn’t mean you haven’t cried
Loving music keeps you on the straight and narrow
Living like a pirate unlike captain sparrow

Mashed potatoes
Burnt sausages
Mouldy cheese
In an empty fridge
One lettuce leaf
Stuck on the fridge wall
The apple survived
The third world war

Surviving isn’t hiding
Trying to keep myself afloat
My socks are like my life raft
I’ve got holes in my boat
Tsunami hit me sideways
Looking like a drowned cat
On the weighing scales
Denying I got fat

Trouble on the horizon
Cracks in the dam
Pineapple on your pizza
With the out of date ham
Tuna got radioactive
Splashed on your plate
The dead sparrow you sell as chicken
Help yourself mate

Ants in your pants
Knickers in a twist
Lemonade with a twist of citrus
Got you twice as pissed
Coffee without caffeine
Where the fuck you been
Milk caused an allergic reaction
Turned your throat green

Strawberries in the straw field
Beatles ate the stew
The caterpillar went on strike
So the butterfly never flew
A gypsy stole my caravan
That was a racist thing to say
Watch your words bite your tongue
Hope this makes your day

The mole moved a mountain
It was lead on by a shrew
Pop goes the dirty weasel
The culprit was always you
You stretched more then your legs
You had a baby or two
Now your husband got jealous
Does this mean we’re through?

Naughty thoughts linger
The spider got caught in a web
Spinning silk for the ant queen
The daises went to its head
Tabasco sauce on the oatmeal
Hot peppers on your brain
Spilt too much ketchup on your spaghetti
Don’t ever do that again

Swimming against the current
You know you really shouldn’t
Even though you’ve been called an idiot
Others have called you a… Well you know

Flabbergasted by the boycott
The cat clawed away the cradle
The hammock couldn’t hold the pony
The plastic swimming pool proved unstable
Taking your friends for a walk
Pooping on the town green
Got arrested for a filthy t-shirt
The pope found it obscene

Getting old is unwise
The hair is going thin
The lips chapped from silence
The brain full of nothing
Music like a grandfather clock
Always ticking in the background
When midnight strikes
Arm yourself with wooden stakes
Don’t get invited out for a bite.